THE OBEDIENT CHILD
By John Fast
Copyright, 2012
The first relationship a person ever experiences is the child/parent relationship,
and as such it forms the foundation for all other relationships we will ever experience,
including our relationship with God. In fact, the only requirement God places on children
is that they obey their parents “in all things” (Col 3:20). This command is very straight
forward and unambiguous. There is no room for splitting theological hairs, it does not
involve any esoteric psychology, it does not require a multi-step program, it does not
involve negotiating terms with a child, and it does not take a PhD to provide parental
advice. However, being a biblical parent has become increasingly difficult in our child centered culture that is openly antagonistic to biblical discipline, undermines parental authority, has replaced discipline with drug therapy, and accepts rebellion from children as just a part of growing up. We’ve even identified stages of rebellion. There is the
“terrible twos” when a child starts asserting its independence culminating with the
rebellious teenage years. But the Bible recognizes none of these so called stages.
Rebellion is rebellion, at any age, and must be corrected in a biblical manner. The Bible
gives one simple command: “Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this
is well-pleasing to the Lord” (Col 3:20). Unfortunately much of the contemporary church
has adopted the child-centered philosophy of the culture and has failed to equip
Christian parents with a biblical view of parenting and to reinforce God’s expectation of
children. In many ways the structure of the contemporary church has made it easy for
parents to abdicate their biblical responsibility to the church.
The seriousness with which God takes His command to children is highlighted in
texts like Leviticus 20:9; Exodus 21:15; Deuteronomy 21:18-21. The penalty for chronic
disobedience to parental authority was punishable by death. Of course this was a worst
case scenario, but it serves to illustrate how seriously God views His command for
children to obey their parents. God never takes disobedience or deception lightly. He
never looks on a disobedient child and says, “Oh look, how cute.” We also need to
notice that God’s command is unconditional, “in all things,” no exception.
Now, there are some obvious limitations, as Acts 5:29 makes clear. Children are
not obligated to obey parents when the parent is demanding the child engage in
behavior that is contrary to the will and word of God. But even in these situations, the
disobedience is to be done in a respectful, loving, but firm manner. Daniel is a wonderful
illustration of this type of disobedience (Dan 1:8-16). Rather than an outright refusal to
obey the king’s edict, Daniel proposed a compromise solution. Sometimes respectful
disobedience may even lead to a separation between a Christian child and an
unbelieving parent (Matthew 10:34-37).
When Paul writes in Colossians 3:20 and Ephesians 6:1-3, he is addressing this
command to Christian parents, so he does not have to qualify the command to be
obedient in all things. He assumes the parents are parenting in accordance with
Christian principles. When Paul commands in Ephesians 6:1, “Children, obey your
parents in the Lord”, to whom is he referring, and what does he mean? Paul is directly
addressing the children of the families in the Ephesian church, so they must have been
old enough to understand when the letter was read to the congregation. These are not
infants. The word Paul uses for “children” is teknon which indicates a closer relationship
to the parent than the word “son”. It implies a relationship where the child is still
dependent on the parent. By using the phrase “in the Lord”, Paul is indicating the spirit
in which the child’s obedience is to be carried out. Children are to obey their parents
with the same attitude and spirit with which they would obey Jesus Christ. Another
important point to note is that the word “obey” is in the present tense and active voice.
This means that their obedience is to be a habitual, characteristic behavior and attitude
that the child themselves are responsible to actively pursue. Although Paul does not
state this in the text, the best model children can have are parents who are obedient to
the Lord. God demands obedience from all His children, adults and minors.
Ultimately the question of obedience boils down to a question of love. Love and
obedience are inseparable as Jesus makes plain in John 14:15, 21, 23 (cf. 1 John 5:3).
Parents, if you love Jesus Christ you will obey Him. This includes training your children
from infancy to be obedient. The second chapter of 1 Samuel highlights the tragic
consequences for both parent and child when parents fail to discipline their children.
God identified the real reason for Eli’s failure to discipline his two sons; he honored his
sons above God (1 Sm 2:29). In other words, his sons had become an idol. Children, if
you love your parents you will obey them, not just out of love for them, but if you profess
to be a Christian you will obey out of love for Christ. The only reason not to obey is
because you love something or someone more than you love Jesus Christ, which
means you have set up an idol in your heart. It is just that simple. Perhaps it is friends, a
relationship, certain privileges, etc. Whatever is motivating you to disobey or deceive
your parents has become an idol which needs to be removed or it will be a barrier
between you and your relationship with Jesus Christ.
Paul follows his command to children by quoting the fifth commandment, “Honor
your father and mother” (Eph 6:2). Paul is simply echoing the teaching of the Old
Testament – to obey your parents is to honor them, and to disobey your parents is to
dishonor them. Just like love and obedience are connected by an inseparable bond, so
are honor and obedience. The word “honor” is timao, and means “to value highly, place
a high value on.” To disobey parents, which is ultimately disobeying God, demonstrates
that you do not value your parents or God, or that you value something else more.
Grumbling obedience is still disobedience. Partial obedience is still disobedience (1
Samuel 15:22, 23). The action without the attitude is still disobedience, and
disobedience is at its core a lack of love and honor for God. Learning to honor and obey
parents with the right attitude is the first step in learning to honor and obey God. If a
child cannot honor and obey their parents whom they have seen, then they cannot
possibly honor and obey God whom they have not seen (cf.1 John 4:20).
Paul provides the motivation for obedience in verse three of Ephesians chapter
six, “That it may go well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.” God gives
children a two part promise for honoring and obeying parents: 1) a better quality of life,
“it may go well with you”, and 2) a greater quantity of life, “you may live long on the
earth”. The point is, obedience has positive consequences, but the converse is equally
true, disobedience has negative consequences. The pathetic history of the nation of
Israel is the account of their reaping the promised consequences of covenant
disobedience (Lev. 26; Deut. 28). Disobedience is sin, and the wages of sin is death
and separation. Even when God graciously brings a sinner to a saving knowledge of
Himself and cleanses him/her of their sin, they escape the eternal consequences of
their sin, but not the temporal consequences. If someone contracts AIDS as the result of
a promiscuous lifestyle, the AIDS does not disappear when they become a Christian. If
someone is financially irresponsible and accrues a large amount of debt, the debt
doesn’t go away when they become a Christian. We can continue to reap the temporal
consequences of sin for a lifetime, even when God graciously saves us from the eternal
consequences of sin. And the consequences of sin do not confine themselves to our
own individual life. Sin has a ripple effect. Just like a pebble in a pond which sends out
ripples in every direction, our sin will impact the lives of everyone around us. Adam and
Eve’s disobedience resulted in spiritual and physical death for the entire human race.
David’s sin with Bathsheba cost Uriah his life, the life of the baby born as a result of his
sin, and his family disintegrated. The sin of Achan resulted in the death of his entire
family (Josh. 7:19-26). The effects of sin reach far beyond the person committing the
sin. This is why God takes the responsibility of children to obey so seriously. If you
can’t obey your parents, even when you may vehemently disagree with them, then you
will never learn to obey God.
To disobey parents is ultimately to disobey God. God is a God of means. He
rules over His people by means of mediators. God has established human government
and rules through human government, even wicked rulers (Acts 2:22, 23; Ezra 1:1, 2;
Habakkuk 1:5, 6), and to disobey human government is to disobey God (Romans 13:1,
2). Parents are God’s representatives in the family and to disobey parents is to disobey
God.
The main reason children gravitate towards rebellion and disobedience is the
same reason we as parents gravitate toward what is evil. The problem is internal, not
external. We have a fallen flesh. No one has to be taught to disobey; it is part of our
nature as fallen creatures. Depravity is universal (Rom. 3:10-18; Eccl. 7:20). No one
naturally likes to obey. Obedience is learned. This is why Paul tells Timothy to
“discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness” (1 Tim. 4:7). Obedience requires denial
of self. Disobedience says, “I want what I want”, but obedience says, “I want what God
wants.” Disobedience says, “My will be done,” obedience says, “Thy will be done”. What
is God’s will for children? Obey your parents in the Lord. Obedience is the way of the
cross (Phil 2:8). When we are obedient we emulate Christ, but when we are disobedient
and rebellious we are emulating Satan.
Christian parents aren’t perfect. We make mistakes in judgment, we all too often
act on emotion instead of solid biblical principles, and we may even be over protective.
But a parent’s imperfections, lack of wisdom, and sins do not give a child license to
disobey their parent. God gave you the parents you have, warts and all, to guard,
protect, nurture, provide godly counsel, and bring you up in the nurture and admonition
of the Lord. He expects you to honor and obey, “for this is well-pleasing to the Lord”
(Col 3:20).